Aren't I enough?
This weekend was my housewarming party. I've been living in my new house for a little over two months now, but most of my family had not seen it yet as I live about an hour away. Let me start by saying, it was wonderful. I was so proud to be able to show my family my house and spend time with them. All in all, it was a lovely party and I felt so loved and supported. I was reminded by a dear friend that I truly am blessed to have such a wonderful family. And I am thankful for them. I really am.
But, (there always seems to be a but) throughout the day there was this tinge of...something. It's hard to name. I'm not doing this right. Yes, I have a full time job and now a house but I'm missing something. You're supposed to get married and have kids and then buy a house. I'm doing this backwards. In the midst of all the "I love your house" and "I'm proud of you" there were questions about men, as to be expected from family. There were comments about my cousins who moved in with their significant others and have weddings coming up. Maybe it was the comment my mom made at lunch that made extra sensitive to those things: "Now you just have to get married and have me some grandbabies. I can find you a man" Ouch. Thanks, Mom.
It's not that I don't want these things, because, believe me, I really do. But how many "jokes" about having grandkids for my parents or being set up with a man does it take before I begin to feel like I'm not good enough? The answer to that is apparently one, though it didn't stop at one. What that question said to me was you're not doing good enough on the whole boyfriend front so I'll just do it for you. I'm not a good enough daughter because I haven't produced offspring for my parents to spoil. I'm not a good enough daughter because I am not a doctor and/or have not married a doctor or lawyer and made enough money to buy my mom a beach house in Florida (another "joke" I grew up hearing.)
Ultimately, her question was focused on her. She wants grandkids. She sees all the other moms her age in our family and on Facebook spoiling their grandbabies and she's missing out. And it left me asking, "Aren't I enough?" It's not about what I want. I've never talked to her about wanting a husband or kids (though I ultimately do) because of this. But she assumes I do and thinks I need to do it now in her timing.
Believe me, if I could be married by now and have kids, I would. I long to be a wife and mom. But it's not what God has for me. Not yet, anyway. I'm trying to learn that His timing is what I have to wait for. Not mine. Not my mom's.
It's always the next accomplishment. Graduate High School, go to college, get a job, buy a house. Now next on the list is get married and have kids. Sometimes I feel like I'm known by what I've done, not who I am. I know that's not fully true. I love my mom and I know that she loves me. I really do. Sometimes she just doesn’t think about things before she says them. She thinks she’s joking with me but there’s always a bit of truth in jest, and I guess I’ve never really found those jokes to be funny.
Until next time,
Kristen
But, (there always seems to be a but) throughout the day there was this tinge of...something. It's hard to name. I'm not doing this right. Yes, I have a full time job and now a house but I'm missing something. You're supposed to get married and have kids and then buy a house. I'm doing this backwards. In the midst of all the "I love your house" and "I'm proud of you" there were questions about men, as to be expected from family. There were comments about my cousins who moved in with their significant others and have weddings coming up. Maybe it was the comment my mom made at lunch that made extra sensitive to those things: "Now you just have to get married and have me some grandbabies. I can find you a man" Ouch. Thanks, Mom.
It's not that I don't want these things, because, believe me, I really do. But how many "jokes" about having grandkids for my parents or being set up with a man does it take before I begin to feel like I'm not good enough? The answer to that is apparently one, though it didn't stop at one. What that question said to me was you're not doing good enough on the whole boyfriend front so I'll just do it for you. I'm not a good enough daughter because I haven't produced offspring for my parents to spoil. I'm not a good enough daughter because I am not a doctor and/or have not married a doctor or lawyer and made enough money to buy my mom a beach house in Florida (another "joke" I grew up hearing.)
Ultimately, her question was focused on her. She wants grandkids. She sees all the other moms her age in our family and on Facebook spoiling their grandbabies and she's missing out. And it left me asking, "Aren't I enough?" It's not about what I want. I've never talked to her about wanting a husband or kids (though I ultimately do) because of this. But she assumes I do and thinks I need to do it now in her timing.
Believe me, if I could be married by now and have kids, I would. I long to be a wife and mom. But it's not what God has for me. Not yet, anyway. I'm trying to learn that His timing is what I have to wait for. Not mine. Not my mom's.
It's always the next accomplishment. Graduate High School, go to college, get a job, buy a house. Now next on the list is get married and have kids. Sometimes I feel like I'm known by what I've done, not who I am. I know that's not fully true. I love my mom and I know that she loves me. I really do. Sometimes she just doesn’t think about things before she says them. She thinks she’s joking with me but there’s always a bit of truth in jest, and I guess I’ve never really found those jokes to be funny.
Until next time,
Kristen
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