No, I worry exactly the right amount!

I've had a hard time lately deciding what I want to post and where I want to share what I've written. It's easy for me to write and be honest with an imaginary audience, knowing my blog is really only read by one or two people (Hi, Steph!). It's a lot harder for me to be real, knowing that it will be shared on Facebook or Instagram where people will actually see it. 

So, why do I put so much stock in what people think of me? Even those who I barely know, or don't know at all? I constantly fear how they perceive me and what I've done to annoy them or come across as weird.

I've said my whole life that I don't care what others think of me. I'm not that type of girl. (News flash, this isn't a type. Everyone cares to an extent.) But the more I'm honest with myself, I've always cared. Overly so, thanks to my anxiety.

I've struggled with social anxiety for as long as I can remember, though I only was able to articulate that and put a name to it about a year ago. There are times that I can't even think about going somewhere with people without being worried about doing something wrong or people thinking that I'm stupid or incompetent. Most of the time, this causes me to either avoid people altogether, or over-explain my motives so I know they know what I mean. And then, after I've explained myself, I worry that I've over-shared or am just plain annoying. The more I've become aware of why I do these things, the more I can do to cope with it and grow. 

Like Tulio, in The Road to El Dorado (who says the quote in the title), I always thought I was just being prepared. That there was no such thing as worrying too much. But social anxiety does NOT have to control me or my relationships.

Things my social anxiety makes me do: 
Things I do when I listen to my social anxiety:

• Stutter or mix words up: my brain gets ahead of my mouth sometimes when I'm particularly anxious and I just can't get the words out right. Even though I've probably rehearsed what I was going to say a hundred times before, I stutter and stumble my way through and end up sounding like I don't know what I'm doing. 
• Rehearse: I'll write letters when I need to have important conversations, just so I can practice getting the words out in a way where I can keep up with my brain. Then I refine and edit or ask approval before I send out the final message or start the conversation. 
• Ask for reassurance: I'll ask over and over "You're sure this isn't weird?" "You're sure this sounds okay?" before I send any kind of message of importance, whether an email or text. 
• Over-share: I have a tendency to go too deep too fast. I am terrible at small talk and don't do well with shallow friendships. I tend to explain my motives and share things that are too personal so that I know people know where I'm coming from and don't think I'm weird or annoying. 
• Over-prepare: I've taught Sunday school in the past and currently dungeon master a game of D&D at a local game store. Whenever I have to lead or speak to a group, I always over-prepare and make sure I have enough to fill the allotted time. In high school, when I taught or shared my testimony, I wrote word for word what I was going to say and then read to the congregation. While I may still write some things verbatim, I'll mostly just have talking points now. But I still will prepare 2-3 times the amount of information I need for the time I have. (Which turns one-shots into 2-3 session long mini-campaigns). 
• Obsess: While obsession is typically a symptom of OCD, for me, it comes out in my social anxiety. I'll obsess over what I said and how I could have said something or handled a situation differently. I'll replay the situation over and over in my head testing out different ways I could have handled it that would have been better. 
• Apologize:  I know I apologize more than I should, but I promise it's genuine. It's not something I say to just fill space. I genuinely believe I've handled something wrong or have been annoying. I think this comes out of the obsessing. I'll play out a million ways I could have handled a situation better, and really genuinely feel as if I need to apologize for how I handled the situation poorly or awkwardly. Though, typically there is no real need to apologize. There may have been better ways to handle a situation, but nine times out of ten, I didn't handle it wrong. I'm learning there's a difference between better and right.
• Assume the worst: I almost always assume that people don't want to talk to me or they think I'm annoying. If someone doesn't reply to my text, I will assume I said something or did something to make them mad or annoy them (cue apology). It's an awful cycle with the obsessions, assumptions, and apologies. The only way I've learned to get out of it is to be honest and up-front with my emotions or motives (and here, we introduce over-sharing and reassurance), which really only extends the cycle. I'm still working on this and learning to challenge unhelpful thoughts (yay CBT!) and know what is true about me is not always what I feel.

I say all of this to say that social anxiety does not have to control me and the way I interact with others. I'm still learning how to block out that voice that tells me I have to do all of these things. It's a process, and it's not always comfortable, but it's worth it to care for myself well. If you see me doing these things, please give me grace and be patient with me. I'm working to be healthier, but I don't have it all figured out yet. 

Until next time, 

Kristen