Hello My Old Heart
I promise not to name all of my posts song titles, but I've been obsessed with this song lately and it's got me thinking, so it seemed fitting.
Hello my old heart
How have you been
Are you still there inside my chest?
I've been so worried
You've been so still
Barely beating at all
Oh, don't leave me here alone
Don't tell me that we've grown
For having loved a little while
Oh, I don't want to be alone
I want to find a home
And I want to share it with you
Hello my old heart
It's been so long
Since I've given you away
And every day I add another stone
To the walls I built around you
To keep you safe
Oh, don't leave me here alone
Don't tell me that we've grown
For having loved a little while
Oh, I don't want to be alone
I want to find a home
And I want to share it with you
Hello my old heart
How have you been?
How is it, being locked away?
Well don't you worry
In there, you're safe
And it's true, you'll never beat
But you'll never break
Nothing lasts forever
Some things aren't meant to be
But you'll never find the answers
Until you set your old heart free
-The Oh Hellos
How true is this, though? In the church, I was taught to Kiss Dating Goodbye and to guard my heart. Outside of church I was taught to focus on school and to build your career first. So, stone by stone, I built these walls around my heart. Gotta keep it safe. Can't fall into sexual sin. (Because, you know, that's the worst kind of sin for a good Baptist girl.)
But now, I'm 25. I should be married and have 1.5 kids by now, right? That's what everyone is saying. What's wrong with you? Why aren't you dating? And the kicker that everyone thinks, but no one is brave enough to ask: Are you gay? I've gotten this for the past few years from well-meaning family members, over and over at every family function: "When are you gonna get you a man?" (Because I can answer that question.)
It leaves me feeling worthless. Broken. Unloveable.
Church, why do we do this? Why do we teach people to hide from love instead of teaching them to love well? Why don't we teach our youth what it means to love and serve God well in community (with BOTH boys and girls) so that they know how to have true, genuine friendships with both genders? Why do we teach that it is wrong to desire marriage?
I have felt so much shame over the past few years because I desire to be married. You should desire God more. Just be content. Singleness is a gift. Telling me these things does not change my desires. I still long to be a wife and mother with a physical ache. But there's a new ache that comes with it. Shame. Guilt. If I just loved God more, I'd be married by now.
Singleness is not a punishment. It's just not. But I don't know that I'd say it's a gift either. It's a season of life, one God has prepared for us to make us more like Him. But so is marriage. It's not wrong to desire what God has prepared for us.
So in the meantime, I'll keep giving these desires to God and trusting Him with the future. But I'm not just going to sit around and wait, either. I'm going to keep putting myself in situations to be friends and live in community with guys and girls. Yes, it's good to have solid girl-friendships, but that does NOT mean neglecting guy-friendships. (Even though I don't really know how to talk to guys. Yikes.) I don't have this all figured out yet, but I think that's okay.
Until next time,
Kristen
Hello my old heart
How have you been
Are you still there inside my chest?
I've been so worried
You've been so still
Barely beating at all
Oh, don't leave me here alone
Don't tell me that we've grown
For having loved a little while
Oh, I don't want to be alone
I want to find a home
And I want to share it with you
Hello my old heart
It's been so long
Since I've given you away
And every day I add another stone
To the walls I built around you
To keep you safe
Oh, don't leave me here alone
Don't tell me that we've grown
For having loved a little while
Oh, I don't want to be alone
I want to find a home
And I want to share it with you
Hello my old heart
How have you been?
How is it, being locked away?
Well don't you worry
In there, you're safe
And it's true, you'll never beat
But you'll never break
Nothing lasts forever
Some things aren't meant to be
But you'll never find the answers
Until you set your old heart free
-The Oh Hellos
How true is this, though? In the church, I was taught to Kiss Dating Goodbye and to guard my heart. Outside of church I was taught to focus on school and to build your career first. So, stone by stone, I built these walls around my heart. Gotta keep it safe. Can't fall into sexual sin. (Because, you know, that's the worst kind of sin for a good Baptist girl.)
But now, I'm 25. I should be married and have 1.5 kids by now, right? That's what everyone is saying. What's wrong with you? Why aren't you dating? And the kicker that everyone thinks, but no one is brave enough to ask: Are you gay? I've gotten this for the past few years from well-meaning family members, over and over at every family function: "When are you gonna get you a man?" (Because I can answer that question.)
It leaves me feeling worthless. Broken. Unloveable.
Church, why do we do this? Why do we teach people to hide from love instead of teaching them to love well? Why don't we teach our youth what it means to love and serve God well in community (with BOTH boys and girls) so that they know how to have true, genuine friendships with both genders? Why do we teach that it is wrong to desire marriage?
I have felt so much shame over the past few years because I desire to be married. You should desire God more. Just be content. Singleness is a gift. Telling me these things does not change my desires. I still long to be a wife and mother with a physical ache. But there's a new ache that comes with it. Shame. Guilt. If I just loved God more, I'd be married by now.
Singleness is not a punishment. It's just not. But I don't know that I'd say it's a gift either. It's a season of life, one God has prepared for us to make us more like Him. But so is marriage. It's not wrong to desire what God has prepared for us.
So in the meantime, I'll keep giving these desires to God and trusting Him with the future. But I'm not just going to sit around and wait, either. I'm going to keep putting myself in situations to be friends and live in community with guys and girls. Yes, it's good to have solid girl-friendships, but that does NOT mean neglecting guy-friendships. (Even though I don't really know how to talk to guys. Yikes.) I don't have this all figured out yet, but I think that's okay.
Until next time,
Kristen
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